


Captain America Fitness Hero: The Outtakes

by dorkylokifan



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 16:03:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11108004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorkylokifan/pseuds/dorkylokifan
Summary: Inspired by that little physical fitness video in the Spiderman trailer. The outtakes of Captain America as he fumbles his lines. This is total crack. In fact, I would say this is about 90% Chris Evans and 10% Captain America with some Stucky thrown in, because why not?





	Captain America Fitness Hero: The Outtakes

                “I’m 75 years into the future, and the boy’s locker room still smells like sweat and Simple Green,” Steve said as the director’s assistant fiddled with the chin strap for his helmet. There was nothing wrong with it. She just wanted an excuse to touch him.

                “Do you have your lines memorized Captain Rogers?” the director asked.

                “Yep. I’m ready. Ready to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way,” Steve said.

                “Yeah well, I hate to break it to you, but the American Way weighs roughly 300lbs these days,” he said. Steve made a face. “Alright Captain, we’re ready. You?”

                “I’m always ready,” he said with a cheesy grin.

                “And…action!”

                “Hello! I’m Captain America…Hey wait, is it really necessary for me to say that? I mean, look at me. I’m wearing the suit, which looks just like the one I used to wear for the USO tours. I have better suits than this one. Anyway, is the introduction really necessary?”

                “Young kids don’t always pay attention to the news, so yes.”

                “Hello! I’m Captain America, and I’m here to talk to you about the importance of physical fitness. You see I remember what it was like when I was scrawny and weak. Now that I’m healthy…Hey, wait. Exercise didn’t make me like this. Isn’t this a little misleading?”

                “It’s a moot point,” the director said.

                “Not really. Lots of kids are doping on steroids these days. It’s kind of relevant.”

                “You’re over thinking it. Just stick to the script. You’ll be fine.”

                “Hello! I’m Captain America, and I’m here to talk to you about the importance of physical fitness. You see I remember what it was like when I was scrawny and weak. Now that I’m healthy, I can conquer the world! And you can too if you eat right and exercise! If you are watching this, then you and your classmates are about to participate in the Presidential Physical Fitness Test.”

                “Cut— Captain you’re smiling too much.”

                “I’m smiling too much?”

                “You’re…not taking this seriously. Your smile is very cheesy.”

                “I feel like I’m selling war bonds up here. My worst memories of the war aren’t all blood and carnage. This suit is skin tight too. It leaves nothing to the imagination,” his eyes panned down to his crotch.

                “It’s fine. Just try to be a little more serious when you deliver your lines.”

                “Hitler’s going to pop out any minute and threaten to exterminate all the fat kids. And then the dancing girls will come out.”

                “Yeah, yeah. Let’s concentrate now. And…action!”

                “If you’re watching this then you and your classmates are about to be rounded up by Hitler and sent off to fat camp.”

                “Cut—

                “So be like me! Do drugs!”

                “Cut—

                “Granted, you’ll never get your hands on the kind of drugs the Army gave me. Those drugs were bitchin!” Steve flashed his pearly whites. The director slouched in his chair and tossed the script. He knew a laugh fest when he saw one and decided to just let the Captain work it all out of his system.

                “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say that. Kids, this is Captain America, and I’m here to say: Don’t do heroin. Smoke weed. It’s better for you. The magic mushrooms are all natural too. Stay away from the man made powder stuff like PCP and LDS, or is it DSL? LSD? I don’t know, but you get the point. Don’t chew crack!”

                “You smoke crack, not chew it,” the director drawled.

                “Yeah sure. Don’t smoke crack kids. Smoke dick instead!” Steve said with enthusiasm. The director face palmed and his eyes went wide. “Though we weren’t allowed to do that back in my day. I was supposed to marry a girl! I liked her too, but I didn’t like her, like her. You know? And I’d never broken up with anybody before so I crashed my plane into the Arctic.”

                “Are you fucking serious?” the director asked, not that Steve was listening.

                “Of course I should have figured that out sooner. I mean when you’re on tour with beautiful women, and you don’t get any inclination to fuck them, that’s usually a sign. My best friend Bucky, on the other hand, I always felt something for him. I just didn’t understand what it was I was feeling. But I knew what I wanted to do to him when I found him tied down to a table looking vulnerable, that day back in Germany. Now that I’ve found him, and he’s alive, I can smoke his dick whenever I want!”

                “Captain this is a physical fitness video, not a human sexuality video,”

                “You’re right. I’m sorry,” Steve said as he had a chuckling fit that went on for a while. When he finally calmed down the director tried again.

                “Are you ready now, Captain?”

                “Yes, yes. I’m ready. But can you pan back a little?”

                “Um, sure.”

                “Thanks. Remember kids, physical fitness is important. If you can’t see your Peter, then the girls won’t want to look at it!” Steve said as his eyes panned down to his own manhood, which looked like a blue softball-sized mound of flesh tightly wrapped beneath blue spandex.

                “Cut—


End file.
